I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
