Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
