shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize