after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
