I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.