Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.