he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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