he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
