I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
