He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
