barbara walters just said penis...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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