would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
