I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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