i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
