Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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