I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
