Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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