Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
