I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
