I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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