Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
