my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
