but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
