someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
