I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
