How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
