No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
