Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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