you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
