when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
