I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
