Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's no shave November. This is our time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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