Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
