He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
