I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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