I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
