Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
