I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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