I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
