I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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