literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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