So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
