Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
