I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
