I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
honey bunches of taint.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
