everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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