New invention idea: vibrating tampons
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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