The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
