I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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