my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
