I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
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white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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