You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
