Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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