wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
