There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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