My pussy is not your playground.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
