I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
