then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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