It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
