I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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