i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
