We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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