Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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